fishizem

Ok, this will be my last post…for now…since I still have not decided, if I will delete the blog, or make it private…invites and all that shit…
So, whatever I shall do, this will be the last, that everyone is able to read… the shop closes on sunday

You know, I’m real confused lately… even more than usually… I seemed to have developed a human touch… and that sucks
I hate having feelings…other than hate…I can handle hate…the rest, aaaaaaa, the rest is a question to me
let me try to explain
there are certain rules, one should go by, in order to avoid problems…here’s some of them

never listen to the person, you intend to beat up, shoot, or hurt in any way…this way, he remains a stranger…and you dont give a fuck
never go on a drink with a woman, you intend to screw only once…she might get the wrong idea
never talk to a woman, that you feel you could fall in love with…that is even more true, if she is in a relationship…and even more, if you doubt the chance of her falling in love with you
never do buisness with friends…there is a chance your friend might turn in to your enemy
never cheat on your woman with her girlfriends…no matter how they beg…sooner or later they will turn on you
never ask for fawors…you will owe them one

I could go on and on…but, it’s useless, since the fact that I know them, doesnt prevent me from not keeping them…and so Im confused…you can guess for yourselfs, which one of them I didnt go by

bye for now

try to tell you, what has been on my mind for a while now…
This will be one of my last posts. I’ll be closing my blog soon.
Why?
It’s not easy to explain… I started this blog, as a personal therapy… and as you could see for yourself, I am in need of one… many think I should be institutionalized anyway…
I never figured, someone would actualy read what I have to say… since even I cant belive how fucked up my mind is sometimes…
but, it has come to the point, where quite a lot of people visit this little mental institution…
and I feel… so does my sister, that has found my blog… I did not want to tell her about it…
that I have exposed myself too much
I know a lot of people wont understand this, but I dont have a normal life as it is… and if I should want to make things… my life, a bit easyer… than exposure, is not the way to do it
now, I cant write about things, I have never felt… or did in my life.. I dont even want to… I see too many bloggers, especially Slovenian, that write about bullshit… just to write something… just to get clicks… to sell the blog… believing they are somekind of internet stars
but, to write about my personal life… has become just too risky…
so, the blog closes
Perhaps… just perhaps… a new one will open… without pictures… names… perhaps
I have met a lot of great people here… even… well, even started to feel for someone… but… I was never good at keeping my hopes up… and I learned a long time ago, that its better to back off… before you are put aside
This is not a goodbye… but not much else eather…

Music: J. Hendrix - Castles made of sand

As he walked down stairs, he had this feeling… a premonition… of what was to follow…
He has been in too many of these situations, not to know that it will explode… it always does… but somehow, he couldnt help himself…
There were three men inside, one standing at the bar, and two behind a high table, drinking whiskey…. it’s amazing how details are obvious in situations like these… without seeing them, you are bound to loose.
As he came down, the men looked at him… they knew who he is… they knew what he came for.
It’s a special feeling you get, when you see someone, that you know has come for you… you know there is little chance of solving things before they escalate…
The man at the bar stepped back, backing up in to the corner, while the other two stayed still… waiting…
He said nothing at first, still checking out the situation… no matter who you are, two or three at once are a hand full.
There was no backing out now… they would take it as fear… and that would have severe consequences.
He stepped towards the two men… all he said was:” What’s up!”
This was the last chance of a calm solution… but one of them looked at him, hands on the table, prepared to jump… “What do you want!?”
The tone was wrong… no way out… the game was on.
From now on, he stopped thinking… everything must be instictive… it’s him… or them.
He streched out his left hand, grabbing the man that spoke behind his head, and pulled towards himself… he slammed his head in the table… he could feel bones braking… a feeling of solid turning in to liquid…
In the next moment, the other one jumped towards him, striking with his fist…
he moved a bit to the left, avoiding the punch, and at the same time hitting the first one with his left hand again, just as he lifted his head of the table… he could see blood for a second…
than he moved forward, grabbing the second one just as he lost his balance missing with the punch… and he throu him over the table… seeing him bounce of the wall…

Than he stood ground. Waiting… almost proud of himself for keeping himself under control… not finishing them off…
they looked at eachother… still silent… it was over…
althou he knew… this will go further, as they started pulling out theire cell phones…
he laughed… seeing the first one trying to hold the phone… with a broken hand… blood runing over the numbers…
he left… tomorrow is another day

You can try as hard as you like, plan every day to the detail, wish for things to go your way,….but…it’s all in the moments
we wake up, or perhaps even start a new day, without realy ending yesterday, not knowing…
the world is changing…the old becoming obsolete…
what use to be certain…no longer is…what you were sure of….is now a lie
even when you look at yourself…you find a stranger…that’s lost in the city of your mind
cruising throu impressions of the days behind you….realizing you’re confused….not realy certain about anything anymore
wondering…
when did all this happen…

That’s why…I dont hope…about you….it would just condemn it…and make me…hurt

Music: Alanis - Mercy

is bleeding. It has been, for 2 days now. Could it be the nerves? Or is it the …..? Who cares…it’ll stop eventualy.
I’m back. Oh yeah, I haven’t told you, I was in Bosnia…the Serbian part of it…one hour away from Beograd(belgrade). This was my first time in the Serbian part….I was not too welcome there before…but the situation has settled down a bit.
It has been 5 years since my last visite to Bosnia….full of memorys…feelings…althou I have not seen my friends…or places…from the past
Kažu, ništa se ne mjenja u Bosni…samo se groblja večaju….istina

I see snow on the mountain near by…white…taking me back…and I remember…

A couple years ago, it was December…christmas spirit…
the house we lived in was on a hill…both, the house and hill were mine, I got them from my father…
it was a white winter… snow covered the landscape
and behind the house, there was a great open space, about 100 000 m2 of my land, in that moment still untouched…it seemed as if the snow would run like water…
I left the bed, while she was still sleeping…got dressed, and walked out…
I walked up and down in the snow…for hours…drawing a big picture with my footprints
when I was finished… all wet and cold… there was…
from miles away, you could see…and so could the sky….
a great

A + L

she cried…and I was happy
where did the snow go

music: starry starry night

As I have to get myself out of this bottomless pit I’m in, I’ll try to draw something with my words….something beautiful….way to beautiful for my words to describe right
I was looking at her all night yesterday…she was with D. …a friend of his
I saw her a couple times before…I know only the basics about her…
I know where she’s from…what her name is…who her boyfriend is…the basics
J……
But…
She is the one of the most beautiful woman, I have ever seen in my life…
Long, dark brown hair… big, bright eyes….skin that looks like it’s silk…a face, sculptured,…like drawn to appear perfect…
her mouth…when I first saw her, I wished to god, that when she will open the most beautiful lips I have ever seen, that atleast her teeth will be, well, not perfect…but than I saw a straight line of white….Jesus.
about 175 cm tall, with high heels she goes allmost over 180…hahahaha, fuck, long long legs, and…well, her ass….
slim hands…breasts…
as I stood near them, watching what is going on in the bar, at some point D. left, and she turned to me…we spoke…and when I was talking in her ear…our faces allmost touching…she smelled like…perfect
D. returned, and I stepped back….I could feel her look on me from time to time, while they were talking…and it was warm…kind…allthou I could see in her eyes, she doesnt trust me…and everytime our eyes met, she would instantly look away…
A girl, I won’t allow myself to see again… her beauty is allmost painfull…but she is…picture perfect

isnt it….

After a long night…standing outside a bar in the cold…and after another disappointment from the people I care about…
ending the night inside, just a couple of us….somehow connected… but none the less, I felt so fucking alone….lonely
we talked about the past…and about the future
P. said to me, to wait…that things will get better…that I’m getting there
but I know….I have to leave…go…find that something….
if I remove the failiers, there is nothing left
and than…while I was driving home…a short message
nice timeing….like you would know

Fish has something to say: “I am a nothing. A bad boy, that will never become someone. I have spent my life running. Out of a battle, in to the next one. I belive in nothing and no one. I have no god. I have no home. I live as a shadow. I’m the dark corner in the street…the face with no eyes.
AND I WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING ELSE

Try to imagine this situation…I swear it’s true…happened yesterday….
Friday evening, about 9 PM. The town centre, people walking on the sidewalks, all the bars and the bar terraces full….
D., U., X. and I, decide to step away from a bar terrace, so we can smoke a joint…
As we smoke, in one moment, the picture looks like this:
U. is just smoking the joint, D. is standing beside him, waiting for his turn, X. is peeing on a street light, and I’m jumping on the roof of a car…..in that same moment, the cops drive by….a police car and 4 idiots inside….
The people that were walking by, stand still, to see what will happen, while the cops stare at me, as I am still jumping on the roof of a car.
It’s a tense moment, but they dont leave the vehicle…I stop, jump on the hood and than on the ground…
Just as U. takes a big smoke, I say:” It’s my car officer, move along now.”
“Is it?”, the cop driving asks.
“It’s my car, move along!”
You could see the people around waiting….will this escalate?!….we’re waiting too….long seconds…
The cops drive away…leaving us with our joint and laughing out loud…suckers